The Infinite Monkey Theorem

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

I adore Ricky Gervais. He’s always been the Cream of the Crop for me because he’s not only incredibly funny; he’s also incredibly intelligent. I was shocked to hear him mention the ‘Infinite Monkey Theorem’ on one of his Podcasts. He berates his Sidekick, Karl, because Karl Questions the Validity of the entire Theorem. He Stands up for the Theorem, time and time again.

My Science teacher told us about this Theorem when i was about 14. Even at that age, i thought it was relatively stupid to waste time discussing. Here’s why:

1. The Major word here is ‘Infinite’. That’s the Big One. However, Infinite is just another way of Prefixing ANYTHING. Have you heard about my ‘Infinite Cornflake Theorem’? It states that, given an Infinite amount of time, Cornflakes will Gradually decompose into the silhouette of Marilyn Monroes Face. ‘Infinite’ is a crazy word to throw in front of a ‘Theorem’ like this. Especially one that is so renowned.
2. There can be no Conclusive Answer to this Theorem. Sure, Maths probability can do very extensive calculations that base sheer unpredictability with the likelihood and time taken to arrive at the goal… but there can NEVER be Proof of Success. Why? Because we’re alloting INFINITE amount of time to the Success of this Project.

If you Throw an ‘Infinite’ tag upon ANY CRAZY IDEA,  you can never be proven wrong. Furthermore, given the absolute scope of this idea; why did they chose to use Monkeys at Typewriters? Monkeys aren’t naturally drawn to Typewriters. A Monkey would probably use the Typewriter as a Toilet on day one, and avoid it for the Next Infinity Years.

Here’s Some examples of my ‘Infinite Theorem’ Ideas

• Given an Infinite amount of time.. A Badger will almost certainly learn to harmonise with the Entire Bryan Adams Back Catalogue
• Given an Infinite amount of time.. A Heart will almost certainly learn how to sew itself to full health
• Given an Infinite amount of time.. A Polar Bear will use his Downtime to Dance the Macarena

You, nor anyone, can disprove any of the above examples, because the deadline hasn’t been set. I do not need to inject some math-based rationale into my theorems, because i have alloted them FOREVER to come true.